Like a lone wolf in the night he stalks...

Monday, March 21, 2011

Listen to what the Man says???

Well humble followers (Still weird to say that) I've reached the crossroads one more time. Yes the man has stuck it to yours truly one more time and shipped his employee status overseas. But it's merely par for the course for so many I already know and so many more across this deteriorating country of ours.

This was a new experience for me as I actually trained the guys taking my much needed J-O-B. I can say it sucked just as much losing my job to someone cheaper who won't get paid for overtime and has no conceptual framework for the American Dream of greed than it did just getting a pat on the back and and a "thanks for playing" in layoffs past.  Speaking of greed, I do have and love my 46 inch flat screen and HD TV but it's really the only thing I've splurged on in like 5 years and I use it every day.  The rest of a good chunk of my salary has gone to paying back the man for the collective year I was out of work with no unemployment check to help me. I've done quite well all things considered and managed to whittle what was once a very scary amount (for me) of credit card debt to one that is not so scary but still a pain in my ass. Coupled with my educational pain (loans) at the Acting Program that served me well up until I decided to not continue to be a professional actor any longer, I still have quite a ways to go and I really don't want to wake up 20 years from now and still have the same bills. So to the man who's listed on Forbes list who just gave my job to India just to collect a few more bucks in his already full pockets, I have this to say to you: You don't get to take it with you jackass!

Seriously, between big corps selling off the fatted cow and the other end of the spectrum being happy doing nothing but collecting free dough off  the backs of a the working people (no different than the corps IMO) everyone is being too fucking greedy. When we hear about Japan and how people helped each other and no one would even consider looting the places of destruction, it gets you thinking just how far both sides of the coin need to wake up. Bottom line, even as bad as it is right now, it's still better than 90% of the rest of the world. So I enter into the unknown once more unabated and wiser...  

I should be really pissed off but today as I had to verbally hand off my workload to my joke of a boss this afternoon. But I find myself enjoying the prospect of having a new opportunity to find something I actually want to do and get paid for.  I've also got a new motivation that I did not have before, I now have a 2 year daughter and she means the world to me. A major difference this time around. As she continues to grow and learn new things every day (as well as say them it seems) I find myself wanting to find that position sooner than later. But I also find myself wanting her to remember that Daddy loved his work and be inspired by that fact as the years pass.  I don't think that's too much to ask, even in this currently fucked state of events.

You only get one shot in this life to live it and I'll be damned if I'm going to let this setback trip me up. I've let too many harder ones before this push me into a place I didn't really want to go in the past. It's not going to be all roses and sunshine as my wife is already in full "get-a-job-now" mode. I get it though, she remembers all too well how lost I got the last time. Actions speak louder than words on that score and I intend to hit the ground running this time. I married a good woman to be sure and I know that one day we'll (all of us) look back on this  crazy ass time and laugh. I look forward to that time and quite honestly something inside me keeps telling me it's not that far away.

I have had a sense of optimism since the year began and I can't really put my finger on why. The last time I had that feeling I ended up signing with Abrams Artists Talent Agency and the times before that everything turned out for the better. The voice inside me keeps mantra-ing "Don't worry, this is for the best."

So I'll be listening to what that Man says- cause he's all I've ever really listened to and he's gotten me this far, which in the grand scheme of things, ain't a bad place to be.

Special shout out to my former roomie Nick, I need a kick in the ass every now and again and yours came at the perfect time. So raise a chalice and smile. THE WOLF IS BACK BABY!!!!!!

Monday, June 7, 2010

All Done

My Daughter has a new phrase that she uses with reckless abandon and it pretty much sums up my mood today. I made the horrible mistake of mowing my lawns yesterday and it caused a shower of allergy pain I haven't experienced in some time. My eyes have been stinging all day due to this encounter and the fact that my office building has the climate of the Sahara desert. Maybe that's why I feel the way I feel today. Could be? Then again it could be because I'm stuck in a job I have no passion for whatsoever, am dealing with an economy that won't allow me to leave it or find a job I actually want to do, a family that tries to break my will on a weekly basis (causing fiction in my marriage) and the fact that I have slew of good friends but 90 % of them (save one) seem to live at least an hour and a half away. Or, it could be that I've grown tired of being painted into a corner not of my making for the umpteenth time in the last 5 years.

I take some comfort that a lot of you are currently going through some type of similarly ridiculous pain and so at least we can all join hands and sing in the way of that ole Billy Joel spiritual: "And we will all go down together..."

I was consistently happy just a few short years ago and it was then I made the Lloyd Dobbler mistake: "I was walking around feeling satisfied."

Seems another lifetime ago now and I find myself saying the same few phrases:

I don't deserve this.

This is BS.

Will this ever end????

I know that crying to the gods means very little but venting is sometimes the only thing that makes me feel sane these days. A man can only take so much and I've taken more than that and a few more than I ever thought possible.

Now I'd just like to say what I hear from my sweet little girl everyday 100 times: I'm all done.

But I've got to go work out and lose the 60 pounds I've put on dealing with these very circumstances that make every step on the treadmill that much more painful. Every repetition with the weights that much harder. Every drop of sweat that much more difficult to conjure.

I'm all done folks.

But I go on.

I continue.

Because really, what choice does one really have?

I don't have it in mean to give up or quit.

So I fight.

I survive.

I live.

Knowing that being all done is not being complete.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

I just want to be happy...

My wife asked me the other day what I meant when I blurted out said phrase. I realized that I needed very little to complete my happiness and was able to verbalize in a fairly precise manner what would make me happy. As I watch and talk to other down trodden souls also braving this rotten, economic survival experiment I started to wonder if many of them had really thought about what truly makes them happy. Wading through darkness will force you to really think and specify these types of things. That's what I've found in what has been the hardest transitional segment of my life.

As I watched my Father lying in the hospital for the final time and thought about all the conversations we crammed in before that dreadful time decided to rear it's monster-like head, a theme became prevalent:  relationships. It became quite obvious that our relations with family, friends, colleagues and yes even enemies become the root cause of our existence. He no longer cared about money, sports, politics or other trivial subjects we tend to put before the people we truly care about. All he wanted was to be sure that he was not alone, that he could savor as much time with us that he could and that those he would leave behind would eventually be ok.

It made me think. Long and hard. And when I was done thinking I realized a couple of things:

One - it really doesn't matter what one does for a living because very few of us get to really do what we want. For those of us that do, it's an added blessing.

Two - the only things we take with us are our memories & our soul

Three (and most important) - The people we share our lives with should be our main focus- meaning one should make the goal of spending quality time with these people a top priority. Everything else is fleeting.

I've tried to live my life more in tune with these important insights and I've found, when I think in these terms, there's very little that can bring me down. I'm not saying this is an easy task (Far from it) but I've found it's a lot easier than I thought it would be. In this country, especially now, it seems like economic security equates some level of  happiness and I'm here to tell you that it's true on a small scale. Being broke or unemployed is no picnic and can create a mass of problems. I can honestly say I'm happier since I became employed after being out of work for collectively 8 months. But in the end I'm happier about the fact that I get to spend more time thinking about and spending time with my wife, my daughter, my family and my friends because I'm not obsessing about finding a job.

I'm 37 and realistically I have another 30 years of grinding in the workplace before I can even think of stopping. So should I spend more time complaining about my awful job/boss/commute for the next 30 years or should I spend that time enjoying quality time with the people I wish to?

Not so hard to think about it in those terms is it?

So the next time you find yourself frustrated with the powers that be just remember that simple little phrase means something.

"I just want to be happy."

It's a common phrase that we hear many times but how many of us really clearly understand what it really means to us?

Think about it.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Best Paw Forward

So this is my first venture into the blogging world and I've decided that it's going to be about a number of things. Artist Expression, Fatherhood & Relationships (of which there are FAR too many blogs already) & Death will be brought up here. Yes Death. A subject I've become more familiar with as creep towards the big 4 -0.

I've actually starting working on a book about dealing with grief based off my own and others experiences (Serious infancy stages here people). I am not a trained psychologist or priest and I do not claim to have all the answers. In fact, I submit that there is no answer. Only a smaller hurt over the course of many years that slowly turns into fond memories and the occasional gut check that seems to come out of no where. I will offer some ideas of how to cope, what to expect and how death seems to change us overnight. I will submit selections of this project for feed back as I dig deeper into the the subject. Personal experiences are more than welcome and I'll be creating a new email addy so you can send me your insights if you wish.

So about me, I was born in the East Bay (The SF Bay for non West coast folk) of California in a town called Walnut Creek. I've lived all over as my travels as an actor have taken me many different places in this great country of ours and abroad. I am no longer a professional actor and haven't been on a stage since 2005 (Although there are times when I miss it). In the interim, I got married to my beautiful wife (whom I first met at Community College some years ago), retained an 80 pound pup named Molly, became Father to a now 16 month old little girl and relocated to Roseville, CA from Los Angeles by way of NYC.  I have one older brother who's a artist and writer himself (I'll soon be posting his blog addy as well) and am down to just my Mother & one Grandmother. I grew up in a traditional family were cousins were treated as siblings and holidays meant a full house. I was raised a stout Catholic but now prescribe to a spiritual (non-religious) existence. I have a middle of the road political view and I wish we had more than two real options to choose from. I think that war is nonsense and although I respect every man and woman out there serving, I'd rather they were home with their families. I worry that this country is dying a slow, agonizing death and I will be made witness to it (I hope I'm wrong). I swear. ALOT. And I don't think that makes me a poor speaker, just more colorful. Bottom Line, I just want to live my life without worry of debt, loneliness, or boredom. I don't wish to anything more to be happy and that my friends will be the first subject of this blog.

I'm looking forward to this journey and I'm glad you've decided to become a part of it. Welcome and look for my next submission: I just want to be happy!!!