My Daughter has a new phrase that she uses with reckless abandon and it pretty much sums up my mood today. I made the horrible mistake of mowing my lawns yesterday and it caused a shower of allergy pain I haven't experienced in some time. My eyes have been stinging all day due to this encounter and the fact that my office building has the climate of the Sahara desert. Maybe that's why I feel the way I feel today. Could be? Then again it could be because I'm stuck in a job I have no passion for whatsoever, am dealing with an economy that won't allow me to leave it or find a job I actually want to do, a family that tries to break my will on a weekly basis (causing fiction in my marriage) and the fact that I have slew of good friends but 90 % of them (save one) seem to live at least an hour and a half away. Or, it could be that I've grown tired of being painted into a corner not of my making for the umpteenth time in the last 5 years.
I take some comfort that a lot of you are currently going through some type of similarly ridiculous pain and so at least we can all join hands and sing in the way of that ole Billy Joel spiritual: "And we will all go down together..."
I was consistently happy just a few short years ago and it was then I made the Lloyd Dobbler mistake: "I was walking around feeling satisfied."
Seems another lifetime ago now and I find myself saying the same few phrases:
I don't deserve this.
This is BS.
Will this ever end????
I know that crying to the gods means very little but venting is sometimes the only thing that makes me feel sane these days. A man can only take so much and I've taken more than that and a few more than I ever thought possible.
Now I'd just like to say what I hear from my sweet little girl everyday 100 times: I'm all done.
But I've got to go work out and lose the 60 pounds I've put on dealing with these very circumstances that make every step on the treadmill that much more painful. Every repetition with the weights that much harder. Every drop of sweat that much more difficult to conjure.
I'm all done folks.
But I go on.
I continue.
Because really, what choice does one really have?
I don't have it in mean to give up or quit.
So I fight.
I survive.
I live.
Knowing that being all done is not being complete.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
I just want to be happy...
My wife asked me the other day what I meant when I blurted out said phrase. I realized that I needed very little to complete my happiness and was able to verbalize in a fairly precise manner what would make me happy. As I watch and talk to other down trodden souls also braving this rotten, economic survival experiment I started to wonder if many of them had really thought about what truly makes them happy. Wading through darkness will force you to really think and specify these types of things. That's what I've found in what has been the hardest transitional segment of my life.
As I watched my Father lying in the hospital for the final time and thought about all the conversations we crammed in before that dreadful time decided to rear it's monster-like head, a theme became prevalent: relationships. It became quite obvious that our relations with family, friends, colleagues and yes even enemies become the root cause of our existence. He no longer cared about money, sports, politics or other trivial subjects we tend to put before the people we truly care about. All he wanted was to be sure that he was not alone, that he could savor as much time with us that he could and that those he would leave behind would eventually be ok.
It made me think. Long and hard. And when I was done thinking I realized a couple of things:
One - it really doesn't matter what one does for a living because very few of us get to really do what we want. For those of us that do, it's an added blessing.
Two - the only things we take with us are our memories & our soul
Three (and most important) - The people we share our lives with should be our main focus- meaning one should make the goal of spending quality time with these people a top priority. Everything else is fleeting.
I've tried to live my life more in tune with these important insights and I've found, when I think in these terms, there's very little that can bring me down. I'm not saying this is an easy task (Far from it) but I've found it's a lot easier than I thought it would be. In this country, especially now, it seems like economic security equates some level of happiness and I'm here to tell you that it's true on a small scale. Being broke or unemployed is no picnic and can create a mass of problems. I can honestly say I'm happier since I became employed after being out of work for collectively 8 months. But in the end I'm happier about the fact that I get to spend more time thinking about and spending time with my wife, my daughter, my family and my friends because I'm not obsessing about finding a job.
I'm 37 and realistically I have another 30 years of grinding in the workplace before I can even think of stopping. So should I spend more time complaining about my awful job/boss/commute for the next 30 years or should I spend that time enjoying quality time with the people I wish to?
Not so hard to think about it in those terms is it?
So the next time you find yourself frustrated with the powers that be just remember that simple little phrase means something.
"I just want to be happy."
It's a common phrase that we hear many times but how many of us really clearly understand what it really means to us?
Think about it.
As I watched my Father lying in the hospital for the final time and thought about all the conversations we crammed in before that dreadful time decided to rear it's monster-like head, a theme became prevalent: relationships. It became quite obvious that our relations with family, friends, colleagues and yes even enemies become the root cause of our existence. He no longer cared about money, sports, politics or other trivial subjects we tend to put before the people we truly care about. All he wanted was to be sure that he was not alone, that he could savor as much time with us that he could and that those he would leave behind would eventually be ok.
It made me think. Long and hard. And when I was done thinking I realized a couple of things:
One - it really doesn't matter what one does for a living because very few of us get to really do what we want. For those of us that do, it's an added blessing.
Two - the only things we take with us are our memories & our soul
Three (and most important) - The people we share our lives with should be our main focus- meaning one should make the goal of spending quality time with these people a top priority. Everything else is fleeting.
I've tried to live my life more in tune with these important insights and I've found, when I think in these terms, there's very little that can bring me down. I'm not saying this is an easy task (Far from it) but I've found it's a lot easier than I thought it would be. In this country, especially now, it seems like economic security equates some level of happiness and I'm here to tell you that it's true on a small scale. Being broke or unemployed is no picnic and can create a mass of problems. I can honestly say I'm happier since I became employed after being out of work for collectively 8 months. But in the end I'm happier about the fact that I get to spend more time thinking about and spending time with my wife, my daughter, my family and my friends because I'm not obsessing about finding a job.
I'm 37 and realistically I have another 30 years of grinding in the workplace before I can even think of stopping. So should I spend more time complaining about my awful job/boss/commute for the next 30 years or should I spend that time enjoying quality time with the people I wish to?
Not so hard to think about it in those terms is it?
So the next time you find yourself frustrated with the powers that be just remember that simple little phrase means something.
"I just want to be happy."
It's a common phrase that we hear many times but how many of us really clearly understand what it really means to us?
Think about it.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Best Paw Forward
So this is my first venture into the blogging world and I've decided that it's going to be about a number of things. Artist Expression, Fatherhood & Relationships (of which there are FAR too many blogs already) & Death will be brought up here. Yes Death. A subject I've become more familiar with as creep towards the big 4 -0.
I've actually starting working on a book about dealing with grief based off my own and others experiences (Serious infancy stages here people). I am not a trained psychologist or priest and I do not claim to have all the answers. In fact, I submit that there is no answer. Only a smaller hurt over the course of many years that slowly turns into fond memories and the occasional gut check that seems to come out of no where. I will offer some ideas of how to cope, what to expect and how death seems to change us overnight. I will submit selections of this project for feed back as I dig deeper into the the subject. Personal experiences are more than welcome and I'll be creating a new email addy so you can send me your insights if you wish.
So about me, I was born in the East Bay (The SF Bay for non West coast folk) of California in a town called Walnut Creek. I've lived all over as my travels as an actor have taken me many different places in this great country of ours and abroad. I am no longer a professional actor and haven't been on a stage since 2005 (Although there are times when I miss it). In the interim, I got married to my beautiful wife (whom I first met at Community College some years ago), retained an 80 pound pup named Molly, became Father to a now 16 month old little girl and relocated to Roseville, CA from Los Angeles by way of NYC. I have one older brother who's a artist and writer himself (I'll soon be posting his blog addy as well) and am down to just my Mother & one Grandmother. I grew up in a traditional family were cousins were treated as siblings and holidays meant a full house. I was raised a stout Catholic but now prescribe to a spiritual (non-religious) existence. I have a middle of the road political view and I wish we had more than two real options to choose from. I think that war is nonsense and although I respect every man and woman out there serving, I'd rather they were home with their families. I worry that this country is dying a slow, agonizing death and I will be made witness to it (I hope I'm wrong). I swear. ALOT. And I don't think that makes me a poor speaker, just more colorful. Bottom Line, I just want to live my life without worry of debt, loneliness, or boredom. I don't wish to anything more to be happy and that my friends will be the first subject of this blog.
I'm looking forward to this journey and I'm glad you've decided to become a part of it. Welcome and look for my next submission: I just want to be happy!!!
Peace.
I've actually starting working on a book about dealing with grief based off my own and others experiences (Serious infancy stages here people). I am not a trained psychologist or priest and I do not claim to have all the answers. In fact, I submit that there is no answer. Only a smaller hurt over the course of many years that slowly turns into fond memories and the occasional gut check that seems to come out of no where. I will offer some ideas of how to cope, what to expect and how death seems to change us overnight. I will submit selections of this project for feed back as I dig deeper into the the subject. Personal experiences are more than welcome and I'll be creating a new email addy so you can send me your insights if you wish.
So about me, I was born in the East Bay (The SF Bay for non West coast folk) of California in a town called Walnut Creek. I've lived all over as my travels as an actor have taken me many different places in this great country of ours and abroad. I am no longer a professional actor and haven't been on a stage since 2005 (Although there are times when I miss it). In the interim, I got married to my beautiful wife (whom I first met at Community College some years ago), retained an 80 pound pup named Molly, became Father to a now 16 month old little girl and relocated to Roseville, CA from Los Angeles by way of NYC. I have one older brother who's a artist and writer himself (I'll soon be posting his blog addy as well) and am down to just my Mother & one Grandmother. I grew up in a traditional family were cousins were treated as siblings and holidays meant a full house. I was raised a stout Catholic but now prescribe to a spiritual (non-religious) existence. I have a middle of the road political view and I wish we had more than two real options to choose from. I think that war is nonsense and although I respect every man and woman out there serving, I'd rather they were home with their families. I worry that this country is dying a slow, agonizing death and I will be made witness to it (I hope I'm wrong). I swear. ALOT. And I don't think that makes me a poor speaker, just more colorful. Bottom Line, I just want to live my life without worry of debt, loneliness, or boredom. I don't wish to anything more to be happy and that my friends will be the first subject of this blog.
I'm looking forward to this journey and I'm glad you've decided to become a part of it. Welcome and look for my next submission: I just want to be happy!!!
Peace.
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